Authors: Dr. Abbie Maroño
Published: January 29, 2025
There is no pain quite as deep as grief. It cuts down to the core and then cuts deeper. It is raw, overwhelming, and profoundly consuming. When the unthinkable happens, and we lose someone we love, the weight of grief can be so intense that it can feel impossible to bear. Naturally, we want to make it go away, to find some way to alleviate the ache that seems to seep into every part of our lives. But where do we start?
Today, we’re bombarded with advice on the “right” way to grieve, each promising relief or a road map to healing. With all these opinions, it’s easy to wonder: How do we know if we’re grieving the right way? And, more importantly, how do we make the pain go away?
Traditional Models
One of the most well-known frameworks for understanding grief is the Kubler-Ross model, which outlines five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Introduced in the 1960s, these stages were initially based on the experiences of terminally ill patients coming to terms with their mortality. However, the model was later expanded to apply more broadly to anyone experiencing grief.
- Denial: In the first stage, individuals struggle to accept the reality of the loss. This initial denial serves as a defense mechanism, providing time to process the shock gradually.
- Anger: As the denial fades, it is often replaced by anger. This anger may be directed at the person who died, the situation, others involved, or even oneself.
- Bargaining: During this stage, people might engage in “what if” thinking, attempting to negotiate with themselves or a higher power to reverse or minimize the loss.
- Depression: The reality of the loss sets in, and individuals may experience profound sadness, despair, or hopelessness.
Acceptance: The final stage involves coming to terms with the loss and learning to live with it, even if the pain never fully disappears.
While these stages offer a useful way to conceptualize grief, they are often misunderstood as a linear process—a step-by-step path that leads to healing. But grief is far more complex than this model suggests, and expecting it to follow a set of predetermined stages can create more emotional distress for those navigating loss.
The Problem With Stages Of Grief
Though the Kubler-Ross model is influential, empirical research has shown that grief is not a one-size-fits-all process. Very few people move through grief in neat, organized stages. Studies demonstrate that grief is highly individualistic, and people may experience these stages in a different order, at various intensities, or even revisit stages multiple times. Some people may skip stages altogether, while others may feel stuck in one stage for a prolonged period.
Rigid adherence to the five stages can make people feel like they are grieving “wrong” if their experience doesn’t match the prescribed path. When individuals are bombarded with messages that suggest they should be at a certain point in their grief or feel a specific way, they may start to question themselves. “Why am I still angry?” “Why haven’t I reached acceptance?” This self-doubt adds another layer of suffering to an already excruciating experience.
What’s more, research also shows that cultural and personal factors play a significant role in how grief manifests. For example, in some cultures, emotional expressions of grief may be encouraged, while stoicism and restraint are valued in others. Consequently, the pressure to adhere to a universal model can invalidate a person’s unique way of processing loss, making them feel misunderstood or isolated in their grief.
Forcing Grief To Fit The Model
Trying to force grief into the mold of the five stages can have significant psychological and emotional consequences. When individuals feel pressured to “move on” or “heal” in a particular way, they may suppress their true feelings, leading to what psychologists call incomplete mourning. This can prevent healthy emotional processing and prolong the grieving process.
Trying to conform to a stage-based model may encourage avoidance of certain emotions that feel out of place. For example, if someone feels pressured to reach acceptance but is still deeply angry, they may avoid fully experiencing that anger, which is necessary for emotional healing. This avoidance can stunt long-term emotional recovery and lead to chronic grief. What’s more, pushing down feelings that don’t “fit” the model (e.g., lingering anger or sadness) can result in emotional suppression and, thus, subsequently numbness, making it harder to process grief. Unprocessed emotions often resurface later, leading to complicated grief or even depressive episodes.
Additionally, feeling like you’re not grieving the “right way” can increase anxiety and self-blame. Research suggests that grief-related anxiety may stem from societal expectations of how grief should be experienced. This constant self-monitoring can lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt, deepening the emotional burden of loss. Consequently, when individuals feel that their grieving process is not following the expected path, they may withdraw from support systems, feeling misunderstood or as though they are burdening others. This can lead to social isolation, which, in turn, exacerbates feelings of loneliness and depression.
What Works For You
Although we share common traits as a species, each of us is unique, and our grieving process reflects that individuality. Hence, a more flexible, personalized approach to grief is often healthier and more effective for emotional recovery. Indeed, research emphasizes the importance of alternating between confronting the loss and engaging in restorative activities that help individuals adapt to their new reality. This back-and-forth approach acknowledges that grief is not a linear journey, and it’s entirely normal to experience a wide range of emotions at different times.
Understanding that grief is as unique as the person experiencing it helps alleviate the pressure to follow any set pattern. What’s most important is not trying to fit grief into a predefined framework but instead allowing yourself to experience it authentically, in whatever form it takes. Some days may be more challenging than others, and certain feelings may resurface unexpectedly. The key is to let the process unfold naturally, without judgment, strict timelines, or expectations.
Grief is not a problem to be solved or a set of steps to be completed. It is a deeply personal journey that looks different for everyone. While models of grief can provide insight, it’s essential to remember that they are just frameworks, not rules. If you’re grieving, the most important thing is to give yourself the compassion and space to experience it on your own terms. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is only your way. And that is enough.
